24th August. As each year pass by, the more I dread this day. It should be a happy day I guess. I mean, most people like their birthdays right? I know people who are like 'oh I don't mind if we do nothing or no one wishes.' but they obviously care cause when a lot of people do wish them or surprise them they get really happy and appreciate it. So why can't I?

I mean I'm grateful. Like oh hey, a bunch of people took their time to wish me even if facebook reminded them. And the ones who actually remembered without facebook, they are greatly appreciated. But for some reason, the more people wish me the more I get depress. Just thinking about how many fake smiles and thank you I have to give got me wanting to curl in a ball and disappear.

I know people won't believe me if I said I don't want anything or I don't like it. Cause I know they would assume I'm just saying it and expect something. I really don't. My ideal birthday is just wishes from people in my third circle ring and above. And that's it. No surprises. No long sweet posts about how I'm a great daughter or friend. Just a wish. "happy birthday" and the rest of the day to just let me be alone. Preferably I wanna be alone with cossette or a person of choice that I would want to spend all day with doing something mundane. But every year, I don't really get to be alone. I get what other people want. A mini surprise. Which forces me to give a smile and pretend I'm happy. But honestly all I wanna do is burst into fucking tears.

Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a cake someone took their time to bake or buy. I don't deserve the presents they picked out for me. I don't deserve a nice surprise from a bunch of people who just wants to see me happy. Because I'm a worthless piece of shit who don't deserve it. That's why I get sad. That's why I get depress. Because everytime someone does something nice, I know I don't deserve it. So why do they do it? Why would they waste their time on some one like me? Even if you say because they love me, I honestly think I don't deserve that to.

I honestly believe I was born to be alone and sad. No one should be put up with me.

So I had this gut feeling, the only reason he continued talking to me, was to make sure of something. And when he was finally satisfied with the answer, he doesn't need to talk to me anymore.

He kept asking that question. At every conversation. I brushed it off knowing he was paranoid person. But I already felt like once he got his answer there is no need for more.

He got his answer, and now there is no need for more. Could be that or he is really busy burying his face in his books. Or he got into an accident. Either way I hope he is doing great.

So I've decided, to use my forgetfulness as an advantage this time. Usually I hate the fact I'm forgetful because people will assume I don't care enough to remember or I don't listen. Trust me I listen and I try so hard to remember, and can tell Nellie is annoyed with this habit but she loves me non the less. I hate annoying people, which is why I hate the fact I'm forgetful. And yet, who knew it would come in handy. I've decided to forget I ever fell in love. Pretend it didn't happen. Would be easier to literally live and forget.

I'll always love him because he is my first love. And nothing will change that. But I also can't let it stop me.

I realize how I get super annoying and paranoid when he doesn't text for a couple of days. I'm afraid he would forget me. Like, what if I think of him more than he he thinks of me. Do I cross his mind everyday like he does on mind? Now, I would text him. I don't have to wait for him to text me. He always makes the first conversation I know that. But back when we were dating I didn't mind texting like there was no tomorrow even if he didn't reply. This time, I feel like every text I text him, I would be bothering him. I mean, the main original thing I was suppose to do when we broke up was to never talk to each other. But even if now that I can, I still feel like I can't.

What if he doesn't want to talk to me?  I feel like every question I ask is a stupid one and he hates me more every time. Nellie would tell me he misses me just the same, thinking it would bring me comfort. That would be one of the greatest probability but I rather pick the worse case scenario which is he doesn't. He stops thinking about me and sooner or later he will forget my existence and I'm the one begging to at least be in his life. Yay. More pathetic quotes. #cringingforever

I'm gonna try and ask him a question. I'm pretty sure he is gonna reply half heartedly and think it's a stupid waste of time.

Everytime I reread a post I cringe a little. Like geez, can I sound anyore pathetic? Apparently yes I can! Cause here is another one.

I'm fine. Was. Fine. But well, life happens and it just loves it when I'm stuck in a swirling pit of sadness and depression. Honestly I was doing okay. Sure I still thought about him everyday but it was less. And it stopped hurting a little. Slight sting here and there but I was close to being fine and a little genuinely happy. Yeah. So close. Until I had a fucked up dream that kind of ruined everything.

So imagine, you are just almost moving on with your ex. Like you still miss him but it was close to the "I miss him as a good time" not the "I miss him, everything hurts, why is the world so cruel to us" I was doing fucking fine. I got sort of promoted. It's not an official promotion but now instead of Graphic Designer, I'm also now a Video Director and Lead Editor. That's right. Lead. I'm bossing people around. Like people older than me.  Makes me feel like I achieved something bossing people older than me. I love my job. Yes it takes up a lot of time. Like. 9am to 11pm but I still love what I do, and I admit, if it weren't for the break up, I wouldn't be working this hard. But now to keep my mind of things, I work. Putting hold of my whole life just concentrating on work. It's stressful but I love it. Like I said I was close to a little happy.

But today... More like last night. I dreamt of him. And now I usually do dream of him occasionaly but never did it bother me like this one. In the dream, he called. He was sad about something and needed someone to talk to and for some reason I was the only one available though I knew I wasn't first choice. So I agreed. Cause I do wanna be there for him if he ever needs something. I planned to keep it casual. Totally all feelings aside I'm gonna be there for my friend kind of thing. I'm gonna spare the details but basically old habits came up and it brought back certain feelings. One thing led to another, some stuff happened. We literally went back to square 1. But with a little caution. Now despite the old habits and feelings I knew it wasn't gonna last. Still didn't stop me from feeling. I went to a different room for just a moment. Asked him from that room how long more we had until we go back to normal.

No reply.

Now in my head I prepared to take in the next 1 or 2 hours with him and just enjoy it. But when I walked out of the room. I see a bag and a note on top of it. The note wrote something along the lines of "I'm sorry for leaving like this. Thank you for everything, I don't mean to go like this.  Here are the stuff you left behind" in the duffel bag was just some stuff I own (in real life he doesn't actually have) and batteries for some reason.

Now I know it don't seem much but reading that note literally brought up the same feeling I had when we broke up. So the rush of past emotions came flooding in, I think it was too much to take I went numb and speechless. Felt like I got broken up with twice.  The dream proceeds on to me being emotionless as one of his friends picked me up and apologize on his behalf that he had to cold turkey me. 

But I woke up with those emotions. I woke up feeling depress again. All those weeks of pushing it down almost came right out. But I managed to push it back. Not fully. But half way is better than no way. I'm still sad. I'm still depress. I thought about him more than usual today. Almost ever minute. Usually it's during my free times. Which is why I kept my self super busy and only have 3-4 short free time a day? I'll manage. I have to.

Everything will be alright.

I told my self I was going to delete these posts because what's the point of writing them. Vent my feelings out? Talk about the same guy like a pathetic person? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Because I am pathetic. A year ago me would have hated me now. Telling me the classic "I told you so" and "That's what you get for opening up" because I knew the consequences. I've seen them happen. I vowed to my self never get involve because that shit fucks you up. I never believed in love. I never believed in the one. Because I never met the one. Until when I thought I did.

I've always kept myself numb, I don't let anyone in often. And if they did I honestly hated it. Because most of the time it was force. Or they make me feel bad for not telling and I'm the worst person cause I don't want to talk about it. But I willingly opened up to him. Even when he told me I didn't have to. And I can take my time or not talk about it at all. But I opened up. And so did he. And from that day on, I let years of hard work numbing my feelings be free. I allowed my self to feel. Because I thought he was the one and he could never hurt me.

To think maybe I would have gotten over it by now. Wanna know why I'm writing again? Cause I feel like I fucked up. I said something bad. I made him feel alone. Things I never wish to do. And now the one thought that gave me a little comfort. The thought of no matter what I knew he didn't want to lose me too, is gone. Cause now it feels, like he does want to lose me. The guy who begged to be in my life even as just a friend, now wants to not be. The texts are getting less. He becomes more unresponsive. I'd like to tell my self "oh he is just really busy." but come on. I know it's pathetic,i really do. "oh he is not texting me any more" insert annoying clingy girl voice. boo hoo. But I tend to over think of the worse possible situation rather than giving me hope at all. And the worse possible situation is, he doesn't want to talk to me ever again and forgets and regrets me and that everything he said was a lie and he never really loved me, he only thought he did. Cause that's what everyone is telling me. He never really loved me. If he did, he wouldn't have broken it off.

I'm slowly bracing my self. That maybe it's not meant to be. Because he said it. He said it. And it hurt like fucking shit. I couldn't forget it when he said that. Alot of things he said, runs around my head. Everyday.

"it makes me feel more alone"

"Maybe it's not meant to be"

"move on"

A bunch more that I'm trying to vault. I know vaulting is bad. But it makes things easier. And I'm sorry I rather have it that way.

It's not meant to be.
It's not meant to be.
It's not meant to be.

He wasn't the one.
There is no such thing as the one.
Love is bullshit. Love doesn't exist.
At least not for me, because I don't deserve it. I don't need it. I don't want it.