I told my self I was going to delete these posts because what's the point of writing them. Vent my feelings out? Talk about the same guy like a pathetic person? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Because I am pathetic. A year ago me would have hated me now. Telling me the classic "I told you so" and "That's what you get for opening up" because I knew the consequences. I've seen them happen. I vowed to my self never get involve because that shit fucks you up. I never believed in love. I never believed in the one. Because I never met the one. Until when I thought I did.

I've always kept myself numb, I don't let anyone in often. And if they did I honestly hated it. Because most of the time it was force. Or they make me feel bad for not telling and I'm the worst person cause I don't want to talk about it. But I willingly opened up to him. Even when he told me I didn't have to. And I can take my time or not talk about it at all. But I opened up. And so did he. And from that day on, I let years of hard work numbing my feelings be free. I allowed my self to feel. Because I thought he was the one and he could never hurt me.

To think maybe I would have gotten over it by now. Wanna know why I'm writing again? Cause I feel like I fucked up. I said something bad. I made him feel alone. Things I never wish to do. And now the one thought that gave me a little comfort. The thought of no matter what I knew he didn't want to lose me too, is gone. Cause now it feels, like he does want to lose me. The guy who begged to be in my life even as just a friend, now wants to not be. The texts are getting less. He becomes more unresponsive. I'd like to tell my self "oh he is just really busy." but come on. I know it's pathetic,i really do. "oh he is not texting me any more" insert annoying clingy girl voice. boo hoo. But I tend to over think of the worse possible situation rather than giving me hope at all. And the worse possible situation is, he doesn't want to talk to me ever again and forgets and regrets me and that everything he said was a lie and he never really loved me, he only thought he did. Cause that's what everyone is telling me. He never really loved me. If he did, he wouldn't have broken it off.

I'm slowly bracing my self. That maybe it's not meant to be. Because he said it. He said it. And it hurt like fucking shit. I couldn't forget it when he said that. Alot of things he said, runs around my head. Everyday.

"it makes me feel more alone"

"Maybe it's not meant to be"

"move on"

A bunch more that I'm trying to vault. I know vaulting is bad. But it makes things easier. And I'm sorry I rather have it that way.

It's not meant to be.
It's not meant to be.
It's not meant to be.

He wasn't the one.
There is no such thing as the one.
Love is bullshit. Love doesn't exist.
At least not for me, because I don't deserve it. I don't need it. I don't want it.