Everytime I reread a post I cringe a little. Like geez, can I sound anyore pathetic? Apparently yes I can! Cause here is another one.

I'm fine. Was. Fine. But well, life happens and it just loves it when I'm stuck in a swirling pit of sadness and depression. Honestly I was doing okay. Sure I still thought about him everyday but it was less. And it stopped hurting a little. Slight sting here and there but I was close to being fine and a little genuinely happy. Yeah. So close. Until I had a fucked up dream that kind of ruined everything.

So imagine, you are just almost moving on with your ex. Like you still miss him but it was close to the "I miss him as a good time" not the "I miss him, everything hurts, why is the world so cruel to us" I was doing fucking fine. I got sort of promoted. It's not an official promotion but now instead of Graphic Designer, I'm also now a Video Director and Lead Editor. That's right. Lead. I'm bossing people around. Like people older than me.  Makes me feel like I achieved something bossing people older than me. I love my job. Yes it takes up a lot of time. Like. 9am to 11pm but I still love what I do, and I admit, if it weren't for the break up, I wouldn't be working this hard. But now to keep my mind of things, I work. Putting hold of my whole life just concentrating on work. It's stressful but I love it. Like I said I was close to a little happy.

But today... More like last night. I dreamt of him. And now I usually do dream of him occasionaly but never did it bother me like this one. In the dream, he called. He was sad about something and needed someone to talk to and for some reason I was the only one available though I knew I wasn't first choice. So I agreed. Cause I do wanna be there for him if he ever needs something. I planned to keep it casual. Totally all feelings aside I'm gonna be there for my friend kind of thing. I'm gonna spare the details but basically old habits came up and it brought back certain feelings. One thing led to another, some stuff happened. We literally went back to square 1. But with a little caution. Now despite the old habits and feelings I knew it wasn't gonna last. Still didn't stop me from feeling. I went to a different room for just a moment. Asked him from that room how long more we had until we go back to normal.

No reply.

Now in my head I prepared to take in the next 1 or 2 hours with him and just enjoy it. But when I walked out of the room. I see a bag and a note on top of it. The note wrote something along the lines of "I'm sorry for leaving like this. Thank you for everything, I don't mean to go like this.  Here are the stuff you left behind" in the duffel bag was just some stuff I own (in real life he doesn't actually have) and batteries for some reason.

Now I know it don't seem much but reading that note literally brought up the same feeling I had when we broke up. So the rush of past emotions came flooding in, I think it was too much to take I went numb and speechless. Felt like I got broken up with twice.  The dream proceeds on to me being emotionless as one of his friends picked me up and apologize on his behalf that he had to cold turkey me. 

But I woke up with those emotions. I woke up feeling depress again. All those weeks of pushing it down almost came right out. But I managed to push it back. Not fully. But half way is better than no way. I'm still sad. I'm still depress. I thought about him more than usual today. Almost ever minute. Usually it's during my free times. Which is why I kept my self super busy and only have 3-4 short free time a day? I'll manage. I have to.

Everything will be alright.