24th August. As each year pass by, the more I dread this day. It should be a happy day I guess. I mean, most people like their birthdays right? I know people who are like 'oh I don't mind if we do nothing or no one wishes.' but they obviously care cause when a lot of people do wish them or surprise them they get really happy and appreciate it. So why can't I?

I mean I'm grateful. Like oh hey, a bunch of people took their time to wish me even if facebook reminded them. And the ones who actually remembered without facebook, they are greatly appreciated. But for some reason, the more people wish me the more I get depress. Just thinking about how many fake smiles and thank you I have to give got me wanting to curl in a ball and disappear.

I know people won't believe me if I said I don't want anything or I don't like it. Cause I know they would assume I'm just saying it and expect something. I really don't. My ideal birthday is just wishes from people in my third circle ring and above. And that's it. No surprises. No long sweet posts about how I'm a great daughter or friend. Just a wish. "happy birthday" and the rest of the day to just let me be alone. Preferably I wanna be alone with cossette or a person of choice that I would want to spend all day with doing something mundane. But every year, I don't really get to be alone. I get what other people want. A mini surprise. Which forces me to give a smile and pretend I'm happy. But honestly all I wanna do is burst into fucking tears.

Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a cake someone took their time to bake or buy. I don't deserve the presents they picked out for me. I don't deserve a nice surprise from a bunch of people who just wants to see me happy. Because I'm a worthless piece of shit who don't deserve it. That's why I get sad. That's why I get depress. Because everytime someone does something nice, I know I don't deserve it. So why do they do it? Why would they waste their time on some one like me? Even if you say because they love me, I honestly think I don't deserve that to.

I honestly believe I was born to be alone and sad. No one should be put up with me.